Complexities

It seems like people are very happy to generalize about “good parents” and “bad parents”, but in my experience it’s quite a bit murkier. So here’s a replay of the past weekend’s situation and if anyone wants to comment, they can tell me if my actions qualify me for the good or bad tag. Honestly, beyond saying that I tried, I’ve got no idea.

So yesterday marked the first kid birthday of the year as HSS@14 became HSS@15. This is the year where I will be living with three teenagers, although I’m not there yet. I had asked the birthday child a week and a half ago if she wanted to do something for her birthday. I know some friends from years past, but as I’m never really sure about the complexities of teenage friendships, I didn’t make any suggestions. I got a mumbled “I don’t know” for an answer. I decided that since I didn’t really want the complexity of figuring it out, I wouldn’t push the issue. I’m guessing this is a point in the bad parent column.

Thursday evening HSS@14 asked if she could go to a sleep over at a friend’s house. I knew this would add complexity to our already complicated weekend, but it seemed like the least I could do to acknowledge her birthday. I went over what would be happening that weekend with her – sleep over, an all afternoon Girl Scout event, Sunday’s church (I may be an atheist, but if she wants to go to church I support her), birthday dinner with the family… there wasn’t too much time to get her homework done, but she assured me she didn’t have too much to do.

I didn't see her after I left for work Friday morning until I picked her up around noon on Saturday. After a very hectic Saturday afternoon of Scout activities, she was playing some sort of Sims game on the Wii Saturday evening. I gently said something about homework, but I didn’t want to push the issue. I had hoped that she got started Saturday evening, but I think that after playing on the Wii she spent too many hours on-line writing/reading fan fiction. Honestly, I needed an evening break on Saturday and after falling asleep in front of the TV I went to bed early without tromping up to the attic to see what was going on. Another mark in the bad parent column.

Sunday morning was not the best with sleep deprivation leading to tears when some computer/technology issues were brought up (falling asleep on the netbook without plugging it in to charge is a battery killer). It was a birthday so I worked to smooth over the issue and get homework started on Sunday around 1 or so. Good parent points, maybe?

I checked that homework was in progress fairly often without hovering over her shoulder Sunday afternoon. After her family birthday dinner & cake, I was assured there wasn’t too much homework left to finish up. I was attempting to get laundry done before the start of the week, so I left it at that. I re-iterated that I needed to go over the homework assignments before bed. I knew she was running late, but it felt heartless to get into one of those discussions on her birthday. By the time I was ready for bed all lights were off in the attic and it seemed wrong to wake a sleep deprived birthday girl to check on homework status.

I decided that I would wake her early on Monday, which I did. Even with an extra 15minutes she was late coming down with her backpack. She couldn’t find her homework assignment sheet. She assured me she had all her homework done. I couldn’t check it versus her assignments, so I don’t really know. I made sure her new assignment sheet for the day was in her folder along with her homework. I spoke fairly sternly about how we keep repeating the same homework disaster. I stopped before she started to cry – doesn’t take much for HSS@15 to cry, I’m telling you.

Good parent, bad parent, what should I do differently, when should I let personal responsibility for a 15 year old kick in? I’m at a loss, so maybe you can tell me.

Saturday Night's Alright...

So I knew I had booked Saturday kind of full, but really, what choice do you have? Msk is a man of routines, so Saturday morning means practice with his Special Hockey team - the Baltimore Saints. This Saturday was the last Saturday in the build season of First Robotics season, so the high school students, me, and probably hubbie needed to spend some time in the robotics lab in said high school. Roller skating is an every Saturday routine for msk and behavior-dude. I had gotten tickets for a hockey fundraising game in the evening. Msk would play a single period, then he and I and msk's behavioralist (b-d) and b-d's significant other and her autistic client would watch a Hockey 4 Hope game between Caps alumni and police/firemen.

It was a packed day. I had not slept too well in anticipation, but reality was different.

I dropped the HSS (high school students) off at 9:00 and waited for the coach to open the door. Then it was off to hockey practice. The goal for the day was to avoid skating into the net during practice. Msk is totally drawn into enclosed spaces. A hockey goal and dog's crates seem to suck him in. We had worked out a plan where he could go in before and after practice, but not during practice. This seemed to work pretty well, with him shooting lots of goals and avoiding skating into the net - much to the goalies' relief. Unfortunately, after a correction (msk has a hard time with corrections) he skated into the goal two times. Still, he did a lot better than last week.

Next stop was picking up b-d and dropping him and msk off at the roller skating rink. Because of the evening's hockey game they were going to have to cut an hour off of roller skating. Unfortunately, this meant missing the birthday song routine (there are always lots of birthday parties on Saturday afternoon at this rink). Msk started getting upset, but I knew that b-d would handle it better than I could so I headed back to the robotics lab.

The stress was turning up at robotics, and I tried to figure out what I could do to help out after I had checked in with my HSS. Not long after I got a call from the Baltimore County police. My pulse started racing. "Can you describe your son?" I started to flip out with worry. Eventually I found out that someone had decided to call the police because msk was upset.

One of the joys of having a significantly autistic kid is that everybody seems to notice his behaviors and come up with a story that matches their judgement. With me, it's usually a matter of "why don't you discipline that child?" With b-d, who is a 6'3" African American male, the question turns into "Why are you kidnapping that cute little white boy?" My husband has put up with the sexism that says men shouldn't be around children - he's a stay at home dad. Add to that the whole racism of our society...

Anyway, b-d was pretty upset and my heart was still racing from images of msk getting hurt. Luckily, msk had calmed down by the time the cops got there and he didn't flip out. I felt pretty bad, but figured the day would get better.

The robot had other ideas. A shaft connection cracked and motors were overheating. It started to seem a lot like the stress of work with hard deadlines looming. It was getting towards the time I needed to leave so I called my husband. I explained that I was leaving our daughters and that he should plan on coming to help out as well as pick them up.

I quickly drove from the high school to the roller rink. Msk was fine (he had listened to the you tube of the birthday song). B-d was pretty bummed. A mixture of anger over racism and defensiveness towards msk's right to be upset if he is upset. We drove home to meet-up with b-d's significant other and her client to drive to the evening's hockey game. A little venting and listening to a Gil Scott Heron CD and everybody seemed to be ok.

We started driving to Laurel. The wind was fierce and I noticed some strange clouds after we drove through the Harbor Tunnel. After a while the traffic got weird and turned into stop and go. We were early so I didn't think much of it. Even when they forced us off I-95 I figured even if we were a little late everyone else would be too.

A car with two autistic young men could be a disaster, but with two behaviorists, an iPad and an iPod touch, we did fine. We eventually got to the road that the ice rink was on (phones with GPS are great!) only to be told the rink was closed.

We found a nearby Outback and had a uniquely autistic dinner. Not long after getting home husband arrived with the HSS. The robot was still being difficult, but better.

A long, strange day was over. I'm not sure if there's any point to this post. Sorry, guess I'm just rambling.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Getting parents to come to school

In the course of sending three kids to 7 different schools, I’ve seen a lot of different results as far as parental involvement goes. If you have a high income school, where a lot of parents have the kind of job where leaving early is an option (i.e. professionals or stay-at-home parents), you will see a lot of highly involved parents, successful fundraising and annoyingly tedious meetings because everybody wants to share their highly informed opinions. If, on the other hand, you have a more diverse parent body and you are looking for ways to draw in parents, there are many things that work.

Things to do to get parents involved in your school that I have actually seem to work in practice:

• Have meetings that are very focused on one issue and only expect the parents who are working on that issue to come
• Let parents make appointments for conferences and let them actually talk to someone to figure out a solution for logistical problems
• Provide child care that the kids involved actually see as fun
• Give sincere thanks to parents who come and explain why their participation is so valuable
• Let parents keep track of the time that they are volunteering at a school and at the end of the year give prizes for the top families
• Have agendas and time tables that are followed and meet with parents after the meeting if they have things they want to talk about that won’t allow following of the agenda
• Understand that different parents have different commitments and acknowledge their time contributions in terms of effort, not absolute hours or meeting attended
• Get kids involved in why this meeting or this fundraiser or this progress report is important and let them lobby their parents to attend. A report card conference where a kid is eager to show-off a folder of work is very hard for a loving parent to refuse
• Come to terms with the fact that you will not be able to get some parents involved, for whatever reason. Put a little extra effort into supporting these kids so they know that someone is valuing their work and is concerned about how they are doing

Things you can do to drive away parents:

• Get defensive whenever a parent asks why an administrative decision was made
• Never have decision makers (i.e. upper administrators) come to meetings where parents are voicing their opinions or asking questions
• Always hold meetings at the same time and on the same day
• Administer harsh and out-of-the-blue punishments on kids that have no basis in published rules or what has been done in the past
• Start assemblies with yelling at the audience for not being quiet while they have waited for a performance to start for many long minutes
• Have teachers talk to parents exactly the same way that they talk to their students, i.e. threatening and lecturing as opposed to seeing them as partners

(Let it !snow)Please

I know snow days are supposed to bring shouts of joy from kids. I remember that feeling of a burden lifted and a totally free day when I was in school. Maybe sledding, maybe a book, maybe TV. It was blissful.

These days when I hear about storms approaching I am filled with dread. Msk begs, pleads, cries for a little structure and order to his life... and what do I have to tell him? There might not be school tomorrow. It breaks my heart.

Last week was especially hard. It started with two days off for teacher training after an early release Friday. We had no plans - I had to go to work - so for msk this meant some computer and backyard time. As much as he likes the the computer time this change in routine worried him. Anxiety led to a level of grumpiness and tension.

We knew that there was a chance of a snow day on Wednesday so we prepped on Tuesday night at bedtime. "There might not be snow tomorrow." "If mom doesn't wake you up it's because there's no school." "You can look out your window in the morning - if it's too snowy there won't be school."

No school Wednesday and we repeated the discussion Wednesday night and Thursday night. There was no, zero, none, zilch school days last week. Lots of stress and outburst, but no school. Even the usual joyful weekend activities - hockey, roller-skating with the beloved Behavior Dude, Sunday's grocery shopping trip - none of these really brought joy. There was a manic tinge to msk's attitude through it all. B-D said, "He seems like another kid."

Sunday night we knew there would be school on Monday. The rest of the week was questionable, but we knew msk would go to school the next day.

I explained that to him and said, "I know there will be school tomorrow and I will wake you up and give you your uniform to get dressed." It was a way for me to say, you've made it through this stress and everything will be back to normal tomorrow. That made him start crying uncontrollably. Clearly he was too worried and too uncertain to trust anything that I said. My reassurance only reminded him that the world has no order and no reason. Never let down your guard because you can't trust anything or anyone.

His tears broke my heart that night.

Reprieve

Thirty-six hours of house time is enough. I enlist the boy and the dog to accompany me for a walk in the park. With various amounts of bundling we make it through the front door to find... It's snowing? Again? No one minds and we continue. The boy running full-out on the trail left by a toboggan, the dog skittering on top of the snow or hunting for foot prints to follow, and me looking for the secure footing of untouched snow. I'd be mortified if I fell or twisted my ankle.

The snow is heavily plastered on the sides of all the trees. Wednesday night was quite a pounding for Baltimore. As we snake down to the path through the park I see imprints from ski poles and the narrow skid marks of cross-country skis. I'm impressed by these people's energy. Over-weight, and recovering from a nasty head cold, I find myself out of breath as I break through the heavy snow, step after step.

Throughly enjoying himself, the boy uses my knee as a boost to get up to the top of the pump house and immediately lays down in the deep untouched snow on its roof. I'm guessing that the firm pressure of laying in this heavy snow fills a "sensory need". Was it my own "sensory need" that drove me to lead the three of us on this walk?

Thirty minutes later we're back in the house for just a second. Then it's a trip to the back yard as he continues playing and I type.

Blahhhh!!!!!

So, does anyone think it's a coincidence that just about the time when their acne peaks, just about all the other cute is stripped from your child, I mean young adult? I have a working theory that it's part of nature's plan to make it easier to kick them out of the family cave. Sadly, as a parent in the modern era, you've still got a lot more years of living with them when they hit 14.

I wrote a post earlier this school year about the frustrations of dealing with high school student # 2 at 14. There has been massive amounts of energy sunk into meetings and plans and procedures. We've had some ups and downs and I will admit to having some frustration with teachers and the school as well, but for this post I'm focusing on HSS#2@14. Her disorganization is epic. Couple that with a kid who got got a 660 on her math SAT in 8th grade and maybe you can get a taste of my frustration. Way too smart and way too clueless at the same time. So as this teetering edifice of support starts to fall apart, what does she do? Bold-faced lies about status and forged initials on daily sheets. I really can't see how this "plan" played out in her mind. The only successful conclusion I could think of involved magically making events change and I'm pretty sure HSS#2@14 doesn't believe in magic.

Rationally, I know that planning and consequences aren't strengths of the teenage brain, but this mess was not that big of a puzzle. Repeated, in various forms, multiple time. Much screaming and crying and gnashing of teeth ensued. I'm still frustrated, and honestly I don't think anything that I can do will cause a change. Whatever.

Often, when people learn about the level of disability that msk has, they think that I must be frustrated with him and what he can't do. At this moment, msk is not my frustration. He is the definition of sweet and honest. I don't think he has the ability to come up with a complicated lie because of the way he's wired. He can get frustrated and lash out with a kick, and he does push at boundaries. He is a 12 year old. When I worry about HSS#2@14's future, I wonder about colleges and careers. With msk I wonder about independent living and support systems. The common thing is that I worry about all my kids.

Msk's presence makes me happy and spending time with him is a joy. Right about now, I would trade HSS#2@14 for a decent cup of coffee.

Demarcation line

So, prompted by a comment a few days ago, I'm going to try to get back on the horse. Posts have been few and far between, and I really haven't felt like I have a blog anymore.

I've got one main excuse - changes to my work life. I don't usually post about work, and I'm not going to start, but I don't think an explanation of these changes are out of line. My job, company and position have stayed the same, but my commute has gone from a relaxed 15-20 min each way, to a stressful 45 min, adding about an hour to my work day. In combination, my 8.5+ hr work time has gone to 9.5+ hrs. This means my work time budget has gone up more than 20% and my work/non-work time ratio is down nearly 20%.

Add to that the stress of change. As my marital situation, kids, home address, schools, IEP knowledge... have all radically changed, my job has not. I have spent more than 25 years driving to the same place and generally doing the same thing. Busting out of that rut has been very hard.

Despite the time/energy issue, I do like blogging. I certainly have a lot I'd like to write about. What I need to do is find a way to make these posts a little easier to get done. Here's my plan: I'm going to try to have shorter posts and I think I'll branch out a little from strictly school related issues. I'm going to post a minimum of once a week.

It's a plan!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Two visions, one kid

Sometimes being a special needs parent can make you shake your head.

Last week was our first IEP meeting at msk's new school. This is not a post about a bad IEP meeting. It went very well. There seems to be a plan in place to get to the mod MSA (we were doing an Alt MSA for the last 2 years), classes are generally going well and I now understand how special education services are working. Lots of positive stories were shared and I'm feeling pretty good about our middle school choice.

After the meeting, one of the team members asked to have a little private discussion with my husband and I. There was a lot of hemming and hawing. Eventually she explained that she was concerned that msk was only doing well with lots of support and accommodations. What was going to happen when he aged out of school and all that support? Maybe msk should be in the life skills class. Not because of an intellectual disability - everyone agrees he's very intelligent. The problem is, will he ever be able to live on his own? She was worried that he would spend his adult life trapped in our house or worse yet, in an institution. I explained how the autism waiver was providing services outside of school to work on going out in the community and general survival skills. I explained that we really want to be on the diploma track. I didn't get defensive or anything, but clearly her vision of msk's long term potential was pretty low, and she's trained in the field.

The very next day msk's behavioralist, b-d, pulled me aside. He wanted to tell me how happy he was with the progress msk has made in the six months since he started working with him. Slow, incremental improvements, but on track for meeting his goals. He said what a sweet kid msk was and how much he enjoyed working with him. Then he explained that he was a little sad about this progress, because it indicated that msk wouldn't be on the autism waiver eventually. In other words, he wouldn't be disabled enough anymore. In the long term msk is going to be living independently. I didn't argue, but honestly I have a hard time seeing it. This is a kid who can't tell you what happened today at school; who can't consistently answer any questions, much less hold a conversation. He's going to be able to get a job, pay bills and live on his own? That's hard to visualize for me.

Two experts with totally different visions. I've got no idea how to plan for his future, or my own for that matter.

Therapy

Therapy is in order after way too much stress with kids and work of late. I've decided knitting (and patting my dog) is the best therapy. To the left a wrist warmer using my newly acquired cable knitting skill. I like the symmetry of patterns and the fact that I have to concentrate or it gets screwed up.

I hope to be back to posting again soon. Eventually I might be able to post about the kid based stress. Maybe a little more knitting first...

October kills me

After reading this post over on Epiphany in Baltimore I thought I'd chime in with my own story of being overwhelmed.

Here without comment and no edits is my Google calendar for the next two days:

Today (Fri, Oct 22)
5:15pm
D&D club pickup
4:35pm
Kk's sleepover drop off
7:00pm
Monk dinner/sleep over drop off
Tomorrow (Sat, Oct 23)
2:00pm
Kk's sleepover pickup
9:00am
Monk dinner/sleep over pickup
8:30am
U’s field trip to DC (start)
8:45am
Hockey practice - R (start)
1:00pm
Cookie Depot (start)
5:00pm
Pick up cookie orders (start)
7:00pm
U’s field trip to DC (end)

Well...maybe one small comment. There's a "can't miss" deadline at work looming ominously. I won't go into what that means beyond hours are longer and stress is way turned up

image of stress fracture